For those who care enough, I attend high school in a pathetic town known as Torrance located in Southern California. We are not that far from the beach, and the community is built of mostly Japanese and crackers, with lower amounts of Hispanic. There are four high schools in the town, and mine is the worst out of them all. We are the poorest, most disgusting, and closest to the refinery. So if that thing blows up we are all blowing up too. That wouldn't be such a tragic event as it is liberating. My school is also closer to the neighboring town of Gardena, where I grew up. Gardena is predominantly black and Hispanic. So my school also has many coalburners. This description is relevant when explaining why I completely despise this school. There is no sense of community here. It is a free for all. You see, crackers are more community driven because they have had it all handed it to them, therefore they have had time to settle down and put their attention towards others. They're not any more empathetic than a coalburner, their circumstances have just allowed them to appear that way. Meanwhile the negroes have always been pushed towards the side so they can't bother trying to help others when their own dignity is at stake. They fight, they tear.. because their blood memories can only recall that. They are more primal than all you nordaboo pagan larpers. But since I am a disturbed and anti social being I don't enjoy the fighting as much as I should. I don't enjoy the free for all. It's different if you have a sliver of time dedicated to a good ol tug, but when your whole life is a fight... you're just miserable! And I fight everyday that I am in this place, with myself and with the existence of the people in the monotonous hallways and with the shallow conversations and with the lifeless classrooms whose windows offer a nice view of the environmental destruction taking place in that god forsaken refinery. Keep pushing out more for the capitalist cronies..... whenever a fight does happen though, it's a beautiful display of my deepest desires. The desire to puncture all the blisters that lie on my soul. To let go and become an icon of suffering. Jesus will always hold the highest position in that regard. But we can be christlike, and emulate his pain.
Anyways, these final exams are fucking my brain. I'm like that deformed wojak..... too much mathematics for one day. Ima air out.
I've been thinking of the people that I have met and out of those people, none have resonated with me as much as one person in particular. He is a sweet, intriguing man with a turbulent past. Disturbed people are just driven to each other by the force of God. His hand put this man in my life, and I believe he must be an angel. All events can be decoded into words of God. And he is the most elusive and spiritual person in my life. Tainted with despair, I only worsen his circumstances with my own trauma. But so many cases of this are out there for analysis, and maybe one day our case will be analyzed through the eyes of a "knowledgable" psychiatrist. They will come to the same conclusion. That we tore at each other and shed our dirty blood on each other. Slowly descending into a deeper part of hell where our thoughts became unbearable, pushing us to such depraved acts. We are not special. I am not special. I believe the people that shove their words down my throat about prosperity are the ones destined to fail. Trying to bring me down into a sad bleak life. I truly wonder why most of you are not like me. How do you all live ambitiously, devoted to work, thinking you'll make it out of everything and live in a million dollar home? Do you think the corporation really values you? Do you think anyone values you for anything other than your labor? Your family is also pushing you towards this black reality, they are not there to help you. And in my case, I have suffered immensely at the hands of who should've been protecting me. You can say I'm biased. But you all know what lies in the deepest parts of your head. Don't keep it a secret any longer! You all know the despair of the modern world, the content being pushed down your throat by algorithms, and the "people" that can't see past it. "People"... they're traitors and must be put to death.
I went on a tangent there, but that intriguing man... I thought I could live a normal life with a normal man before. He was a Dane. But he left me for 4 months, 4 months where I searched everywhere for a replacement. 5 years gone in an instant. And when we reconnected, it felt like a blessing. Blinded I was, by my love. The biggest detriment to my being. Here I was, enveloping myself in him, like a dog following his master. And the man who had always been there for me, Hunt, was put to the side. You always realize your mistakes sooner or later. I have been a horrible child my whole life. But no one, no one has come close to the sacrificial life of Hunt. Hunt is a distraught yet deeply caring man. He did not leave me. He is left to die, again and again, but he stayed by me. Everyone else has betrayed me. Everyone else is pushing the narrative on me, forcing me to eat their sickening words. Yet here is Hunt, the man of truth, telling me what I had always known. Tugging at my spirit, telling me to take a step forward into bright light. No one has tugged at my spirit before. No one. Life of carnal lust, a life filled with distrust and shame. Always being the outsider looking in on a happy group of dogs. Hunt has never hurt me like the rest of them did. And my angel, my angel will always live within my heart. The atonement draws nearer. This hatred is of the purest kind - a gem from the deepest corners of the earth. Rare. A cleansing fire that you will not like, but that you need. Break free from all that contributes to your post modern skepticism. I call for socialism. I call for liberation. I call for a true revolution. Follow the call or die. Destroy traitors and idiots, destroy all who do not comply. And better yet, destroy yourself. Because you are not supposed to live in such a traitorous and idolatrous world.
This is quite interesting because today marks the 2 year anniversary of this site's creation. I have purged a lot of the logs because they were just flat out stupid and not in line with the underlying current of my life. I have learned some vital lessons and would like to share some genuinely valuable insight as opposed to previous ramblings. I will try to embed videos of mine here if I can as well. But the topic I would like to bring up today is about love. Jesus gave us a commandment, "Love others as I have loved you." I will never forget the dream I had at such a young age, where Jesus was murdered in front of my eyes and I heard his voice whispering to me. I cannot even remember what he was saying. But it was something profound, I wonder if I will hear the exact contents of his speech when I die. This must be a secret that I can only unlock through certain actions. Love comes in many forms, and I believe this dream was one of them. Jesus, a manifestation of God, his only son... he has always been holding me in his palm waiting for me to wake up. I am still in that early morning sludgy state, where your eyes are beginning to adjust but you are not quite awake yet. I will remain in this state until I die by his grace. Times before I have been completely blacked out, and I can attribute this blindness to a deep hatred and angst. I keep those qualities, yet I have transcended into something more meaningful. You can find people rejecting God because they are also hateful like me, but they are in a different stage than I. Some never leave that stage. And for that, you should perish. Out of your mouths serpents will be born and begin to choke you slowly. I cannot help but to feel pity for those following the left hand path. You believe you are liberated, yet you are another slave. I may be enslaved, yet I am constantly looking to escape. And this is the only rational response when we are trapped by these walls that others have built around us. Poverty, exclusion, defilement. Defiled by everything that commoners hold sacred. Neo-nazis say, "Revolt against the modern world." But your revolt is futile. Your white brethren have sold themselves to capitalism and greed, becoming the Jew that you despise. It is pathetic to be nationalist. Every person is at risk for degeneracy. A country can never be holy or superior. Empires always crumble. You are being played like pawns in a chess game, andthe board itself will be toppled over at some point. Like how Jesus toppled the merchant stands in the temple. You defile his name when you mention him in the Pledge of Allegiance. You defile him through the military and through the CIA coups and psyops. And my love for God will not let you continue to do this. I am a follower of socialism, perhaps to the point of labeling myself a communist. My love is quite deep. I have been told this many times. But my anger and disdain for the elite, cover ups, distractions, corporations, and the people that subscribe to this... has propelled me further towards the path to awakening. My actions are loving. My actions are to serve and protect. My actions are my sacrifice to the world. And I hope you may also awake in holy death and redemption someday.
I will change up this site to feature cooler stuff, rather than being a journal. I feel images more than words. But words are a way to decode an image, so I don't really have a preference. I want to take a journey to the stars (haha get it? I love black metal) and feel brightness on my cheeks. I have another 15 years in this realm but so far there is not much to experience here. Maybe a little vandalism will give my face some flavor. I find that if I don't listen to music at night I can awaken earlier and maybe sneak out like I did that one time. It was so peaceful, and I made out shapes with the stars in the sky. Sadly the moon had already disappeared beyond me. I will see it up close in my next life.
I started this website because I love 90's culture. I also need a space where I can be delusional and weird. Physical journals can be torn apart and burned, but something on the Internet can live forever. I wish GeoCities was still around, I would've loved to sift through all those websites. The Wayback Machine is my favorite thing to play with. I'm currently in high school, where the stupidest activities take place. It's not as brutal as middle school. Here, everyone is off the rails. If anyone can get me a bottle of vodka, please let me know and I will gladly pay you back. By the way, I'm lonely as fuck so if you wanna talk I'll put my Discord here soon..... krypium